


endless searing

by snowyseas



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, makoharu - Freeform, mentions of other characters but not much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 16:40:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2117133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowyseas/pseuds/snowyseas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After their race, Makoto and Haru have a lot of tension between them. Haru doesn't say anything at first, but upon walking home, he realizes that this is not a matter to be left alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	endless searing

**Author's Note:**

> This is one fanfic that is crossed off the list. I have been getting so many ideas lately, and honestly, I was procrastinating this one-shot because I wasn't sure it would be good waaa. But now I'm like whatever; I just really wanted to write this. Forgive me, for I have sinned (not really).

All the images in Haru’s head were of Makoto -- his smiling face, his frightened face, and most importantly, the face he wore when he watched Haru glide in the water. He had such a range of emotion on his face, that Haru used to wonder if Makoto was not tired from it. He learned to cherish the faces Makoto pulled as he got older, and found that he loved Makoto the best when he was being himself. Haru remembered the way Makoto’s eyes looked when he had asked Haru to race him seriously, and for what reason, Haru couldn’t understand.

 _Why do you swim?_ he had asked.

_I swim because of you, and because of my friends._

If that was the truth, why did Makoto ask Haru not to hold back?

Sadness tugged at Haru’s heart; it was the same as with Rin, that one time. Rin had lost, and Haru felt the most heart-wrenching pain his young heart could take at the time, and it took so long for them to come to an understanding. If he didn’t take Makoto seriously…

Haru paced his breathing, even with a storm brewing in his heart, and he decided to do as Makoto asked. He pushed forward with his strong legs, and with the intention of not betraying his best friend’s trust, he glided forward, leaving everyone -- including Makoto -- behind. He came in first place, and Makoto only came in second. Despite that fact, Haru turned to look at Makoto in the next lane. He was breathing heavily, and Haru watched him closely. He was beginning to feel panicked when Makoto didn’t turn to look at him, to reassure him he was fine.

Haru waited, and as he did, a lone tear fell onto Makoto’s cheek.

“Makoto --” Haru’s voice broke as he called out his best friend’s name.

“I lost!” Makoto lifted his head and smiled.

Haru’s eyes widened; it was such a beautiful smile, but it was given to him in the worst possible way.It was given with sadness, with pain, with some kind of frustration -- and Haru knew it wasn’t because Makoto had lost. Makoto was stronger than that; he knew from the start that there was more to this than simply _winning_. What it was that Makoto wanted -- Haru was unsure of.

They got out of the water, and this time, Makoto did not hold out his hand. Haru’s heart was seared with a pain that felt like a whip. It had stung, but he pulled himself out and waited for his next race while Makoto went and got changed. Rin was speaking to him, and he nodded and responded accordingly, but Makoto never left his mind. He glanced over to the bleachers where his team was, and saw that Makoto’s face was smiling, though his eyes had fallen. Haru gulped, and not because he was scared of Makoto, but because he knew Makoto was _absolutely_ upset.

Naturally, Haru won in the race against Rin -- by only 0.02 seconds, but it was a win nonetheless. Haru did not see Makoto’s eyes darken, did not see the way Makoto’s smile turned from wide to sad. He did not see the way Nagisa’s face fell as well, when he asked why Makoto wanted to race him. Haru saw none of it -- or perhaps, he didn’t _want_ to see any of it. He knew what was waiting, he knew the strain.

He didn’t want to think about it.

Everyone had been cheering for them, and Haru watched Rin and Sousuke form the corner of his eyes. They had what seemed to be a stable relationship, but Haru wasn’t sure whether there was anything more between them. For a long time, Haru always thought of Makoto, always wondered about him. He wasn’t sure of what it was at first, but the sheer panic that came from the possibility of losing Makoto created a whole new spectrum of emotions that were too complicated -- too frightening. Haru was unsure of Makoto’s feelings, but he kept his hidden underneath his heart, where no one would find them.

Not even Makoto, if he was lucky.

The Samezuka and Iwatobi teams parted ways, and with the hustling and bustling of his other teammates, Haru noticed Makoto only spoke when he was directly addressed. He was still smiling, but there was something about it that made him look exhausted. It worried Haru, it made him feel responsible, even though Makoto had reassured him multiple times that he would not be responsible for his loss at all.

Then again, Makoto was always too kind.

They bade farewell to the rest and walked in silence, side by side. Makoto asked Haru trivial things, things that Haru thought were things Makoto could ask at any other time. Why was he asking them now? He asked things he already knew, and Haru was beginning to feel his heart break. Makoto was more upset than he thought, and if it wasn’t about winning, it had to be something swimming-related at the very least. Makoto had told Haru on multiple occasions that he was the best in water, and Haru always tried to find a way to deny it. He was not the best in water -- he just wanted to swim. He merely wanted to be one with the water, a concept that Makoto understood well. Yet, he still paid Haru with these compliments.

It made Haru breathe out a heavy sigh.

“Are you okay, Haru-chan?” Makoto asked, his voice containing its usual lilt.

Haru nodded and hummed as they walked up the steep stairs to Haru’s house. Makoto followed , and as they reached Haru’s front door, he insisted with his hands that Makoto go inside first. Makoto waited for Haru in the dark, until he turned on the lights. What Haru saw on Makoto’s face made him freeze.

There were no tears, but for just a second, Haru saw a glimpse of fear, of sadness, of _anger_.

“Makoto..?” Haru whispered.

Makoto’s eyes widened and before Haru could catch his fall and say what he wanted to say, Makoto smiled again. He walked towards the living room and Haru stood in the genkan, not quite sure how to react. Makoto was his best friend -- more than his best friend -- and with the feeling in his fingers gone, Haru wasn’t sure how to approach him. Should he be straightforward? Should he grab some water for Makoto first?

“Haru-chan, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

Willing himself to confront Makoto, Haru was able to make his feet move. He sat beside Makoto, who had turned on the TV and lowered the volume. Makoto’s face was complacent, something that Haru was convinced he wouldn’t ever get used to. It felt wrong, it felt so terribly strange. Makoto was meant to show all his feelings, was meant to lay all his cards on the table. It frustrated Haru that he just _wasn’t_.

“What’d you think of my race with Rin?”

If Haru was going to find out how Makoto was feeling, he might as well start in the most obvious place.

“You two looked great. Like fish in the sea.”

“Fish in the sea?”

“It was natural for you,” Makoto smiled. It didn’t reach his eyes, and Haru felt a lump in his throat.

 _Natural, huh_ , Haru thought. Haru leaned closer to Makoto, and not because he wanted to entice him, but because he wanted to settle his own uneasy heart. Being closer to Makoto helped with this, he realized a few years ago. Makoto stiffened at the contact, but did not say anything. Haru felt brave, and with a thundering heart, he leaned his head on Makoto’s shoulder. Naturally, Makoto lifted his hand and threaded his fingers through Haru’s hair, a loving expression on his face.

“Are you tired, Haru-chan?”

“Not really, no.”

They sat that way for a few minutes before Haru realized this was certainly not the way to get out what he needed form Makoto. He turned his head and Makoto raised his eyebrows, curiosity filling his eyes. Haru took a deep breath and forced himself to hold his gaze, to not get lost in Makoto’s warm eyes. Eyes that were home for him.

“Makoto.”

“Yes, Haru-chan? What’s wrong?”

Haru left his mouth hanging just the slightest as he formed the words in his head. He took another deep breath and tried to keep his tone soft, tried to sound kind and far from worried.

“After our race, you didn’t seem quite like yourself.”

“Oh? I’m sorry, I was probably tired. You were really fast.”

There was a short silence.

“Makoto, I know that you know what I’m saying.”

“What are you talking about?”

Haru felt his face start to fall at the realization that he was slowly losing Makoto. He knew Makoto was hiding something, and he knew Makoto did not want to reveal it. It was a frustrating cycle they had sometimes, and it didn’t help that the condition of their relationship was dependent on how selfless they were towards each other. He didn’t want to push Makoto, but it was blatantly obvious that it was just at the tip of Makoto’s tongue.

“Makoto,” Haru whispered, “please tell me.”

Makoto’s bright eyes darkened and his face fell as he stared at Haru’s face. There was nothing angry in his expression now -- just sadness. It was the one emotion Haru wasn’t sure how to handle with Makoto, because to him, Makoto was always meant to be happy. Makoto was always meant to stay positive, and Makoto was always the strongest person he knew. He didn’t know how to hold up a strong person, how to help them get back on their feet. He feared he would break Makoto more, which was why whenever Makoto was sad, it was always the fixable things. Things that could be avoided next time, things that Haru could _understand_ and help Makoto to confront. He’d always protected Makoto, after all.

Makoto leaned forward and his eyes softened. Haru forced himself to stay in place, but his heart was doing strange things. Makoto was upset, and yet, he couldn’t get the thundering in his heart to stop. He knew this happened when Makoto came in close proximity, so when Makoto leaned his forehead against Haru’s, Haru felt as though his blood circuit stopped. They were _touching_ \-- and the context of the action was that of something terrible.

Makoto was crying.

Haru reached for Makoto’s cheeks with his hands and he gently wiped away the tears that kept falling from his eyes. Makoto’s lip was quivering, and despite his many attempts, he could not speak. Haru allowed him to press their skin together, and he felt his heart go from thundering in his chest, to breaking and splintering his stomach. He hadn’t seen Makoto cry like this in years, and seeing it for the first time since they were kids created a hole in his chest.

“You’re so beautiful, Haru,” Makoto whispered when his crying stopped. He continued to lean his forehead against Haru’s, but neither moved from the contact.

“What are you talking about?” Haru whispered back as he cupped Makoto’s face.

“You really are the best in water.”

Haru did not say anything, but instead, locked his gaze onto Makoto’s. His favorite pair of green eyes shone, and this time, it wasn’t from the tears. There was a light and a darkness that Haru couldn’t quite grasp, and it gave him a sense of uneasiness, to know that there were still things he had to know about Makoto. Perhaps, if Makoto let him, he’d make a map of him inside his head, and would use it as a guide. He would use it as a way to keep Makoto close to him, to love him.

“When I saw you with Rin,” Makoto gulped, “I realized you were both great. Rin was strong, and you were beautiful.”

Haru waited for more, he knew there was more. Makoto pulled him closer and Haru gasped as their noses now grazed. They were so close, and Haru couldn’t think. He forced himself to focus on Makoto’s eyes, but it didn’t help when Makoto stared right back.

“Haru-chan.”

“Yes.”

“I was jealous, you know.”

Haru’s eyes widened.

“Of what?”

“Rin.”

The room was silent before Makoto smiled again, and Haru felt as though sunshine had reached his toes on a cold day.

“Why?” he asked.

Makoto grazed Haru’s cheek with his fingers, making him shiver, before he rubbed his nose against Haru’s.

“He can compete on the same level as you. He can bring out a fire in you that I can’t.”

Relief washed out the worries in Haru’s body and he sighed as he wrapped his arms around Makoto, pushing him backwards on the sofa. Makoto’s eyes widened when Haru laid on top of him, his breathing soft. Haru’s eyes were tearing up, and with fumbling hands, Makoto tried to calm him.

“Haru-chan --”

“You scared me. Don’t _do_ that!”

They stared at each other, and Makoto found that the tears in Haru’s eyes were that of relief. The whole time, Haru had been worrying that Makoto would leave him, would abandon him the same way Rin did once. Haru sighed and Makoto stared up at his best friend -- his beautiful best friend -- and waited for him to say more.

“Rin is a rival,” Haru whispered.

“Everyone knows that.”

“I _mean_ , you’re not a rival.”

Haru pressed his forehead against Makoto’s ever so slowly, and his bones felt as though they were singing. Makoto rested his arms on Haru’s lower back, and Haru was hyper-aware of this. Makoto was touching him, too. His heart felt as though it was soaring, because he was finally understanding the deepest crevices of Makoto’s heart, of Makoto’s soul.

“You may not bring out that fire in me, but Makoto, you bring out so much light in me. Much better than a mere fire. You bring out so much in me that I can’t even count them on my fingers.”

Makoto’s eyes pooled with tears at Haru’s words and the raven-haired boy smiled, leaning down to kiss Makoto’s eyelids. Makoto’s breathing was deep as he sighed, and he eventually began laughing from the giddiness of it all, and Haru’s ears absorbed the noise, reaching his heart with warmth. Makoto was happy, and they had reached a new level of understanding. They pressed their lips together and graced each other’s hearts with the lightest of flutterings, and their eyes softened, while their kisses deepened into the late of night.


End file.
